Being cool is very confusing these days. There seems an endless stream of contradictions about what is deemed acceptable by the purveyors of cool; those media types, celebrities and culture-makers who we desperately pattern our lives and opinions after in a ceaseless drive to be in on the joke.
So, I thought it would be helpful to let you in on what’s cool and uncool, based on my own extremely well-researched observations. It’s like skinny jeans for your brain, so drink deeply, my friends:
- Cool: Angelina Jolie’s “brave” decision to have a double mastectomy to avoid breast cancer.
- Uncool: Bringing up the fact that the risk of breast cancer increases 50% for women who have an abortion.
- Cool: “Speaking truth to power” (an amalgous phrase overused by White House senior adviser Valerie Jarratt and President Obama)
- Uncool: Actually speaking truth to power, which is what the Benghazi whistle-blowers did and were roundly mocked for it, by everyone from reporters to democrats on the hill to Saturday Night Live.
- Cool: Saying that gun control is a valuable legislation to enact, and is worth it even if we “only save one life”.
- Uncool: Bringing up the lives saved by personal ownership of firearms every day.
- Cool: Caring about education for the next generation.
- Uncool: Noticing that our kids are getting less education for more money every year.
- Cool: Waxing philosophic about the sad state of hyper-partisanship.
- Uncool: Honestly noting one’s own partisanship.
- Cool: Outrage over Abercrombie and Fitch’s latest PR kerfuffle, and demanding acceptance for larger-sized individuals.
- Uncool: Thinking that parents should be more responsible for the obesity rate in this country, not because we should legislate how much butter a child can eat or because we ought to be cruel to those who struggle with weight, but because there’s obviously a dangerous cultural shift that ends in blind self-acceptance and heart disease.
- Cool: Laughing at Sarah Palin’s accent.
- Uncool: Laughing at President Obama’s changing accents (one speech a calm Harvard Law professor, the next a Southern preacher! How handy!)
- Cool: Sighing meaningfully about how Republicans want to rule over a woman’s body.
- Uncool: Asking why we’re more worried about “reproductive freedoms” than we are the blatant use of women by an oversexualized culture.
- Cool: Making fun of the Pope/organized religion/church/backward hicks who still care about the Bible.
- Uncool: Pointing out the centuries of good the church has done, despite her mistakes.
- Cool: Demanding that rich businessmen “pay their fair share”.
- Uncool: Asking what that means, and what happens after “fair share” has been achieved.
- Cool: Amanda Knox, Jodi Arias, Joanne Chesimard
- Uncool: Four dead Americans in Benghazi, countless babies left to die on sterilized tables, the nameless, faceless victims of Fast & Furious.
- Cool: Changing one’s profile picture to the latest “No H8″ “Equality” or “fill in the blank slogan about love” meme.
- Uncool: Wondering how redefining marriage will affect society, children and culture.
- Cool: Nonconformity
- Uncool: Nonconformity that leads one to own a gun, read a Bible, vote Republican or homeschool one’s children.
To boil it down, here’s the number one rule in the guide to cool: pretend to think for yourself while actually giving your brain over to the “cool” voices instead. If anyone argues with this list, write them off as a homophobic, uneducated racist, and you are well on your way to being cool.
After all, worrying about the consequences of your ideas and your spineless following of the cool is very, VERY uncool.